That pretty much sums me up. I expect a lot from myself and those around me. I get disappointed whenever someone doesn't deliver - most times to no fault of their own because I don't explicitly reveal my high expectations to them. I am aware that I have to modify my behavior because I don't want to press upon my short comings onto my kid(s).
I blew up on Jason today.
When Jason got back from the Derby on Sunday, I told him that we need to start getting serious about giving Bret a bottle because he won't fall asleep when I go out for a bachelorette party (this Saturday) unless he's got the hang of a bottle. Ask me if Jason has attempted to give Bret a bottle this week. You already know the answer. Now answer this question - what do you think I'll do if I call Jason on Saturday night to see how things are going and I hear Bret crying in the background or if Jason tells me that Bret didn't eat and he's not sleeping?! Of course I'm going to leave the bar and come home. Jason doesn't seem to understand the feeling of "mommy guilt".
On Tuesday, I asked Jason to let me know what his schedule is so that I can make Bret's 6 month picture appointment. It's Thursday and I still don't have a schedule so I made an appointment anyway, whether he can make it or not.
My boss called me on Tuesday to let me know that one of my group members had his 30-year anniversary and they're planning a lunch for him at The Dearborn Inn. I thought that was perfect because that will give me the "formal" opportunity to talk to my boss and tell him that I am quitting. Unfortunately, I don't have anyone to leave Bret with, so I can't go.
I told Jason on Sunday that I wanted one hour every day this week to work out, shave my legs, etc. So far, I've worked out one day this week and I shaved my legs today AFTER I had my blow out. Then Jason says that it's partially my fault. Why, because I didn't EXPLICITLY say, "I'm taking my hour break now, honey. Here, take Bret." BS
Jason plays softball on Wednesdays (which I am not complaining about). It rained most of the day yesterday, so I assumed that the games were canceled. I asked Jason if he was playing or not and he didn't know. I asked him to call the guy in charge of the league and he basically said to me, 'someone will call eventually'. He ended up playing which meant that I bathed Bret by myself and Jason spent about 1 hour w/ Bret the whole day. I'm not complaining about bathing Bret on my own, I do it when Jason's in China. It's my perception of little interaction between Jason and Bret that bugs me.
I guess that's my whole problem. I feel like Jason is so passive and not engaged in what goes on at home. I understand he has to work all day, and thankfully I get to stay home with Bret. I love Jason for that. However, I would like to see him spend some more quality time with Bret. For example - read the stupid newspaper AFTER Bret goes to bed. Play with Bret while I cook dinner. Stuff like that. I mean, Jason doesn't even know what's going on with Bret's food feedings. Since Jason reads this blog, let me be very explicit - he eats one fruit or vegetable for four days to make sure he's not allergic to it. When it's fruit, he eats it twice a day (1/2 container each feeding) along with 2 tablespoons of cereal mixed with breast milk around 9am and again around 6pm. When it's veggie, he eats it once a day (1/2 container) along with 2 tablespoons of cereal mixed with breast milk around 9am and then 3 tablespoons of cereal only mixed with breast milk around 6pm. Questions?
I just want Bret to feel like he is loved from both of us. I know that Jason can not come close to the time I spend with Bret. I would like to see Jason attempt to make the time he is home while Bret is awake meaningful to him. Bret loves Jason and vice versa. That is undeniable. I just get kind of choked up when Jason's watching TV and Bret is looking at him like 'hey dad, talk to me'. I don't want my baby's feelings to get hurt.
Maybe I'm way overreacting. I just feel like I've made the decision to put a lot of things on hold to be what I would consider a good mom for Bret and I don't think that Jason has sacrificed very much. He still gets to go away for a weekend bachelor party, play softball, drink and have a good time at upcoming weddings, sleep in every weekend. I just miss the social aspect of my life. Is that selfish?
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9 comments:
OMG - I think you live at my house, and in my brain. In fact, can I just copy this and send it to J, maybe then he'd understand why I don't feel like being all affectionate with him at night.
If you lived closer you could have left Bret with me. I miss you.
I don't have any advice since I've never been in this situation but I did want to say that I don't think you are being unreasonable for wanting more 'me' time and for Jason to be more involved with Bret. I also wanted to say that I'm jealous you are quitting your job - if only. ;)
*HUGS*
You'll need 'me time' to keep your sanity. For sure. Make it a scheduled thing, post a calendar on the wall, permanent marker it to his forehead if you need to. But definitely make yourself a priority for at least a few hours a week.
i do know the feeling. it sucks. i got divorced (for more reasons than just that, but it was a contributing factor) and now I'm with a guy who picks alex up for day care when i'm having crazy days, he plays with alex without being asked and has offered to watch him if i ever wanted to take a workout class.
you're not asking too much. your expectations are not too high. he just needs to realize that staying home is not an easy job and he needs to sacrifice some too.
good luck, sweetie. big hugs.
Yes, in fact, this was my ex husband and to some extent, my current husband.
I was thinking a lot about this... give me a call soon....
I just know from experience to not be so hard on Jason. Say what is on your mind, when it is on your mind. Don't make him be a mind reader. Be explicit - "I AM TAKING MY HOUR NOW." Don't let the resentment build up. He'll never have your motherly instincts. He worries about things like work because that is how he is wired... he worries about providing for his family, esp. with you quitting your job. He doesn't understand babies and probably isn't able to interact with them - and won't be - until they are toddlers and can give him some feedback.
Take care, it's sooo normal. I am rambling, we'll talk soon!
THis is just F-ing men and quite seriously? I may just have a baby on my own because it seems I do it all myself even when there's somebody around to help.
You rock. Your baby is beautiful. If your husband can't figure it ou then his loss. When did they start thinking all they had to do was contribute the sperm?
I wish I could come "borrow" Bret from you to give you some down time!
I feel exactly as you do. It's tough work being a mom.
I think that guys just don't click with babies. As my kids are getting older they are spending more time with their dad. G has just started doing some farmign with Case now and then. My 5-year-old nephew has to be ripped from his dad.
Stop keeping score. It will never be 50/50. Rather than being annoyed that I'm bathing both kids while he watches tv, I try to think that it is our special time.
I hope that your are able to find a happy medium.
I was going to sit this one out and just let you vent, but I just have to tell you that I have been there. In a major way. I have said some of those same things. And the one thing I can tell you is that it takes guys time to get the engaging/helping thing down. They didn't carry the baby/give birth and they take longer to adapt their life to the baby. Assign him tasks to do and don't hold your breath waiting for him to volunteer. It does make you feel bad though, when you have to ask them why they aren't being more involved b/c the WANT to. I think guys have a hard time relating/interacting with little babies.
Ditto, Ditto, Ditto to everyone else. Most guys are not baby ogglers like women, including my husband. About one year before I had Noah, my cousin had a baby. I made JR hold it, and that was the first brand new baby he ever held. He just hadn't been raised around babies,whereas I came from a massive family where someone had a baby every year, and I can never wait to meet, hold, and smooch on the newest baby. But I honestly think 90% of it is just the way guys are.
Since Ava was about 2-3, JR started taking her to work with him on Saturday mornings, or taking her to the hardware store with him, etc. Being older, she was able to communicate what she needed so it was easier for him to watch her. She was less needy and more of a fun little person so he didn't mind taking her places to give me a few minutes of alone time. Now that Noah's more self-sufficient it's the same thing.
It will get easier, and the interaction will increase. But like everyone else said, spell it out. It's not rude, it's a necessity!
As a mom, you definitely need me time, especially being a stay at home mom.
I think you are doing the right thing by communicating to dear hubby exactly what you need. It leaves no room for misunderstanding.
I too have been there, but in different ways. It is usually house work, laundry, etc. Josh does focus on the kids right when he gets home and doesn't stop until they go to bed. For that, I am so very thankful!!!
Keep up the communication, because he will come around and figure out what you need as well as Bret.
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